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Jello Shots & Tatertots




Silent Confusion.

Last night was one of the most confusing, terrifying nights of my life. It started with a bowl of salsa. 

4:30ish: I was hungry, so I got myself a bag of chips, and a bowl of my homemade salsa from the kitchen. Now, we sleep on the pull out couch, because the air conditioner in our apartment doesn’t reach our bedroom, so when I went back into the living room, I set the bag of chips down on the bed. I was still holding the bowl of salsa, and suddenly, there wasn’t any salsa in the bowl anymore. I just stood there, staring at my bowl, wondering where the salsa went, when I looked up, and it was all over the living room. Across the bed, my clothes, my laptop, even 9 feet away from me, on Corbin’s little 4 month old head, while he sat in his rocking chair. I still don’t remember flinging the salsa, and I didn’t understand why. I grabbed some paper towel and started cleaning everything off, and sat down on the bed to clean off my laptop. When I’d finished, I stood up to throw away my paper towels, and became instantly dizzy. The room spun like I was on a Tilt-A-Whirl. I HATE Tilt-A-Whirls. I made it two steps toward the kitchen, before I started to feel like I just really needed to sit down. Corbin started screaming, because it was time for him to eat, and I couldn’t get up off the floor without getting extremely dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseous. 

All concept of time was suddenly gone. I had no idea how long I had been on the floor for. It felt like two minutes, but it had been a half hour. I called my friend Katie for help, because Corbin needed to eat. She got there in 20 minutes. Looking back on my cell phone, I judged how long I had been on the floor for by checking the timers of Katie’s call. 

I don’t remember her showing up. While she was on her way, I managed to crawl to the bathroom, throw up, and come back out to the living room to lay in front of the box fan. I just felt so hot! Like someone was pouring hot oil all over my body, and everything was spinning. Katie must have come through the door, gotten Corbin fed, all while I was lying in front of the fan, but I had blacked out again. I have no clue how long I was out for. 

I had to pee. I managed to make it into the bathroom, used the toilet, and when it came time to stand up, I used the shower curtain for support. I knew it wouldn’t fall because the rod is screwed into the walls. But somewhere between pulling myself up, and finding myself suddenly in the bathtub, wedged in, I had somehow fallen. I don’t remember falling. I was standing up, and suddenly I was in the tub. I have no recollection of falling at all. I called Katie for help, and she got me up, and back into bed.

Katie was in my apartment for two hours, but it felt like 10 minutes, before she convinced me that I needed to go to the ER. I no longer had any concept of time. While we were getting Corbin ready to leave, I had to put a clean onesie on him. Somehow I managed to put the snaps together all backwards. Then I started falling backward, and Katie had to help me. I don’t remember either of those things. Then I looked at the snaps, and knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. 

By the time we finally made it out the door and into the car, I was only dizzy and nauseous again. I started zoning out, and my eyes refused to focus. I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half, dizzy, nauseous, blurry, and confused. They finally took me in. I needed a wheelchair. Blood sugar, normal. Heart rate, normal. Blood pressure, normal. They gave me a room, hooded me up to machines, did more tests.

Then things starting to seem really funny to me. An outlet, the doctor’s eyebrow, my nurse’s buzz cut… were all hilarious.

I started forgetting to breathe. I failed a vision test.

The registrar came in to have me sign, date, and time consent forms. I looked at the digital clock, and forgot what numbers were. It’s like I was reading Arabic. They looked completely foreign. The doctor had to tell me what it was.

More tests. EKG. CT scan. Blood drawn. IV. Pee in a cup. 

I was so confused. I wasn’t really sure what was real and what wasn’t. 

They gave me some tablet for nausea and it tasted really good, and I demanded more, for some reason.

Katie was finally able to get a hold of Justin at 11, and he got to the hospital at 11:30. I’m not even sure what order all these things happened in.

I blacked out again in the CT room, and thought the clouds on the ceiling were really funny. I had a panic attack during the scan. The spinning metal was terrifying to me.

Eventually they unhooked me, and told me I had a silent migraine, which put pressure on my brain, causing all my symptoms. They called it Syncope. when I blacked out, I had a mini-seizure for a moment, which explains why the salsa was everywhere, and why I fell in the tub. They sent me home at 1 am. I was still sort of dizzy, but not as bad.

Today was fine, until around 3 pm. I started feeling dizzy again, and only blacked out once, that I know of, and dropped a bowl of pasta salad all over the kitchen floor.

I’m not allowed to drive anymore. I have to see a neurologist next week. 

I’m terrified this is going to happen all the time. What happens if I’m holding Corbin, a tiny defenseless baby, and I seize? What if I drop him? What if I crush him? I’m scared to be alone during the day with him now. I’m scared that I’ll seize and throw something and terrify Conner. What if I forget my name? I want to be normal again.


39 notes | Reblog | 2 years ago
Posted on July 26th at 10:25 PM
Tagged as: headache. migrane. syncope. fainting. blackout. baby. salsa. spinning. tilt-a-whirl. laptop. hospital. doctor. silent migrane. pain. confusion. dizzy. dizziness. vertigo. lightheaded. laughing. focus. blind. ct scan. ekg.
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